So, I’ve always been that fat kid.
When I was a lot younger, I had issues with thyroid. For those who don’t know- Thyroid is a gland in our neck and it helps to regulate our body metabolism. If it doesn’t do its job properly you either gain a lot of weight or you lose a lot of weight excessively. Neither of those are healthy, obviously.
But as a kid the idea of losing weight without any reason didn’t sound that bad at all. I had to be stuck with the other type of thyroid that made me fat. It made me not fit into the clothes I liked. It made me insecure about my body, my face, my double chins. It made me pretend like I dislike food for fear that people would blame my eating habits as the reason for how overweight I was.
I struggled. Man, oh Man did I struggle.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid. My parents were great. But I remember being super sensitive to pretty much everything. I would burst into tears at confrontation- But here’s the weird thing. This only happened around my family. My friends to this day have never seen me cry.
I don’t think my parents realized this and they thought I cried for everything in school and with friends. But really, all my pent up anxiety and insecurities from days of holding it all in would give way in front of my parents. It was never intentional and the only reason they thought I was so super sensitive is because the slightest disagreement or questioning from them about something trivial would result with me having tears stain my 8 year old face.
I think being a fat kid, you grow up tough on the inside. You’re tough about everything except about your weight.
I’m 21 today (its August 2016) and I am still very sensitive about my body and weight. I don’t understand how other people can openly talk about the weight they’ve gained. I’m jealous that they can talk about their bodies like it was the last thing they cared about. For me, that’s taboo. I often try to change topics or stray away from these conversations.
So yes, I have always been a fat kid. I long to be healthy. I’m 98 now. I want to come down to a 70. I’ve never known what it’s like to be thin and it’s such a luxury in my head. Here’s hoping for a lasting change this time. I’ll definitely keep you posted.
Because you know what? I’m so done. I want to change this and make it last this time.